I can feel the razor
As it runs along my arm.
Does anyone out there care enough
To see if I've done much harm?

My razor is my only friend,
Or so it seems sometimes.
It understand me, completes me,
It sees through to my mind.

My other friend, a teddy bear,
I cling to through the night.
As I toss and as I turn
I hold him tight as tight.

And now one question is left,
Yes, only one remains.
Do I persevere with this,
Or simply try to miss the veins?



I dont think this one needs any explanations, i am just havin a crappy night, week and life.

thoughts on stuff

Now, i know that this entry is going to seem sooooooo random, so i am warning you of that at the start of this.
As most of you know, i dont remember much from up until i was bout 14 years old. Anyhow, i have a vague memory from when i was bout 11 or 12, of me regressing quite a bit, and insisting on using a baby's bottle. As i was thinking about that, it occured to me that that was about the time that the abuse started to get more intsense (or at least from my weird vague memory point of view it did).
i dunno, maybe i have always just been screwed up in the head. Or maybe i was trying to go bak to a time when i felt safe, i got no idea *shrug*
Someone said to me a couple of days ago, that when that happened, they shoulda realised that something wasnt right up at broadwater, i mean, when u got an 11 year old coming down for holidays, and insisting on using a bottle, somethings gotta be up. Apparently someone had said something to dad about it, but he just brushed them off, saying somethin bout it was just a phase i was goin thru. i dunno if he actually believed that, and i dont know that i ever will.
btw, i am not doing this as another "y didnt they do something" post, it is just my random thoughts on this, and trying to figure out my own mind (if thats possible)

Sleep

Ok, now i know that this will probably seem totally silly to any one reading this, but i have got no idea how i am going to sleep tonight! I stayed at amy's place last night, and i was gonna go pick up my stuff after church, but i decided to do it later in the afternoon, then i totally forgot about it til almost midnight. Now, that might not seem like such a big thing to you, but that means that my pillow, my teddy bears, and the teether thing i use so i dont bite my lip in my sleep are all still at amy's place. I dont know how i am going to sleep! This might seem like a bit of an over-reaction, but i never sleep without them! As soon as i realised that i had left it too late to get them, i started getting all panicky, and that was bout 30 min ago, and i still feel very much that way. I trying to calm down, and i feel so silly for gettin so worked up about this, but i cant help it!
Aside from all that stuff, my hairbrush, toothbrush, and tablets are also still at amy's place, so i gonna have to go round there tomorrow morning to get them.
If anyone happens to read this, prayers would be muchly appreciated.
My arms are sore from scratching, my toes r sore from me picking the nails off, and also the skin, but on the bright side, i have gone 6 weeks and 3 days not cutting! Thats the longest it has been so far. :)

hmmmph!

GRRR!!! I went to decorate the christmas tree this afternoon, and when i was going through the christmas decorations, i couldnt find any of the ones that me or eddie or amy made when we were little! I dont know what on earth brenda thinks gives her the right to throw those things out! There was stuff in there that i made when i was 3 or 4 years old! I dont know if she has actually thrown them out or if she has put them in the shed or what she's done, but i am NOT happy bout it!
A bit before that, dad rang to get me to measure some stuff for him (coz they away for the day) then before he hung up, he generously said that if i wanted it, there was some left over pizza (that I payed for) in the fridge that i could have.
They annoy me so much! *insert angry face*

7 Things

Lami and Kelly tagged me:

Seven Things I want to do before I die
1. Own and run a Christian based childcare centre.
2. Study Early Childhood at Uni
3. Breathe a couple of times :P
4. Blog at least another 20 times
5. Be able to tell people i love them easily and not find it as hard as i do now
6. Go to Mercy Ministries
7. Stop burning my tongue every time i have a hot chocolate

Seven things I cannot do
1. curl my tongue
2. walk on my hands
3. read boring books (Jane Austen is a good example of that, i fell asleep when i was tryin to read it for skool)
4. listen to a cd by spinning it really fast on my finger :P
5. sleep properly, or at least i cant lately
6. get rid of the scars on my arm
7. speak mandarin

Seven things that attract me to my best friend
I dont technically have one best friend, but i have a few good friends, so i'll just put stuff bout them.
1. Funny
2. Understanding
3. Encouraging
4. Recognise the weird quotes i use (well some of them do anyhow)
5. Go insane with me
6. Always there for me
7. Awesome little gumnuts

Seven things I say most often
1. Gumnut
2. kool
3. ok
4. awesome
5. Gemea
6. mwahahaha
7. i dunno

Seven books or series that I love
1. The Left Behind Series - Tim LeHay (sp?) & Jerry B. Jenkins
2. The Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis
3. Thr3E - Ted Dekker
4. Blink - Ted Dekker
5. The Wemmicks books - Max Lucado
6. The Martyrs Song Series - Ted Dekker
7. Tomorrow When The War Began Series - John Marsden

Seven Movies I could watch over and over and over again
1. Global Heresy
2. Josie and The Pussy Cats
3. !Hero
4. Anything VeggieTales
5. Monsters Inc.
6. Pinnoccio (sp?)
7. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen movies, esp the early ones

Now i tag... whoever is reading this and hasnt already done it

Whats New...

Okay, so i have found out since my last blog that mum and michael arent actually staying at amy's place anymore (yay!!). They're gonna stay with mum's parents (bout an hour away) and only come over here for 2 or 3 days, but they'll go bak to my grandparent's place each night. So i am very happy bout that, hopefully it means that michael wont get to be alone with Gemea at all.
I started seein a new counsellor yesterday (a sexual assault one), and that went okay. As usual, i was totally freaking out before the appt, but it went good, she was easy to talk to, and didnt push too much. I am seeing her again next friday (16th), so i think this will go well. And it's more regular than my psychologist appts were, so thats good.
The scratch on my wrist, although not infected anymore, doesnt seem to be healing properly. The skin hasnt grown bak over or anythin, but at least its not too sore, just heaps itchy. But it'll cope.
Tonight we had our annual christmas street parade, and our church had a float in it, so i was on the bak of a ute with claire, and a bare cross...we had to make sure that it stayed balanced and didnt fall. It was tied though, so we didnt have to do much.
Its been good, coz yesterday and tonight, claire and i have been able to just hang out and talk a bit, which we havent done in ages, coz we've both been pretty busy. But we were able to go have dinner after volley squash, and we went shopping for almost 90 minutes tonight, so it was fun! :) (even if i did spend too much money :P)
I think thats about all i have to say tonight. Farewell...

*scream*

I cant believe her!! My sister can be soooo stupid! I just want to bang her head in sometimes!
We were talking yesterday bout some of the stuff that went on up at broadwater, like the abuse and stuff. Anyhow, some of it involved all three of us, but i dont know exactly what the deal is with where amy is at with dealing with it (so anyone who knows her, plz dont mention this post to her). I was talking to her bout some of the stuff that happened, and all of the stuff i mentioned (i didnt say everything i remember) she said that she knew about. And yet, she is still going to let that creap stay in the same house as Gemea when him and mum come down for Gemea's birthday!!
It makes me so angry, but there is nothing i can do about it!
*cries*