Limbo

As of Monday 10th of October, i dont have any more work at the centre that i am at atm, and I feel like my life is in limbo coz i dont feel like there is any point looking for permanent work, coz i have no idea when i will be able to go to Mercy, but i dont want to just be sitting around at home. I have started to update my resume, so i can give it out to the childcare centres in parkes, and hopefully get some work, at least enough so i can have a bit of money to do stuff. I just want it all to work itself out, without me having to worry so much bout it.
i have been saying to people that i am not worried bout the work at FLL finishing up, but i am. i HATE not knowing what is going to happen.
I want to be able to get full-time work, and move out, but because i am going into Mercy, thats not an option for me at this point in time. Why cant it be easier?
I am also a bit hesitant about putting my name down at one of the places here in town, coz a friend of mine has been doing some casual work there lately, and i dont want to take any work away from her. I dont know if that is presumptious for me to say that they would hire me instead of her, but she isnt qualified, and i dont think she has had any experience in childcare before the casual work she is doing now. Maybe i should just start off by putting my name down at the other places in town, and see if i can get any work, and how much.
i know that i am just going to have to get over it, and keep doing what i am doing (as in looking for casual work and stuff), but i just want it to work itself out, preferably today.

Blast from the Past

I was tagged and this is my answer- "Thats all for now" (hehehehe i know, no where near as weird as Kelly's!!! :P)

Wanna play?

1. Delve into your blog archive.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five people to do the same.

If you're reading this consider yourself tagged :)

Confidence & Paranoia

My arm is kinda sore :S i know i shouldnt have done it, and i know i need to stop, but it just got to being too much tonight. i know that isnt a good excuse, but its all i have atm.
For now, the main queation that is in this weird little head of mine is whether or not i should go to work today, coz i dont know if people there will notice the new marks, be suspicious of the bandaid on my wrist, or if i am just being some sort of paranoid psychopath.
According to an episode of Red Dwarf, every person is made up of two people, your confidence and your paranoia. Your confidence is the part of you that tells you that ur cool, that u can succeed at what your doing, and that everyone loves you. Your paranoia is the part of you that says that your ugly, no one loves you, that you will fail and that your a looser.
Somehow i doubt that that theory has been proven, but anyhow, i feel as though my paranoia is taking over, and i dont know what to do, coz unlike Lister, i am not sick and dillusional, or at least thats not why i am feeling like this.
Anyhow, i think that is random enough, and i have rambled on for long enough...

Its Deb and Lami's fault!! :P

Name: Katherine Louise Cartwright
Nickname: Katie, Skatsie, Katsie, Kizzatie, Kookie, Katie Kokonut Kookie, Kat, psycho, Skatsie-Lou...thats all i can think of atm
Birthday: 19th November 1985
Birthplace: Manilla, NSW


-:-Now-:-

Current mood: bleh
Current music: nothing, listening to the rain
Current taste: choc chip muffins
Current hair: almost back to normal colour
Current clothes: jeans and t-shirt
Current annoyance: everything
Current smell: rain
Current thing I ought to be doing: writing tbout the book i just read and sending it to Mercy
Current desktop picture: nothin, it just black
Current favorite band: Superchic[k], Third Day, Skillet
Current book: Just finished reading "Echoes of Mercy"
Current cd in stereo: Hillsong Instrumental, coz i sleep with that on
Current crush: no one
Current favorite celeb: i dunno


-:-Do I-:-

Smoke?: nope
Have sex?: nope
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: yep
Remember your first love?: nope
Read the newspaper?: nope
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: nope
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: yeah
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: most of the time
Consider love a mistake?: i dont think so
Like the taste of alcohol?: depends on what type, but generally not hugely
Have a favorite candy?: chocolate (cadbury)
Believe in astrology?: nope
Believe in magic?: nope
Have any pets: a dog, and he is very stupid
Go to or plan to go to college: not at this stage
Have any piercings?: 3 in my left ear lobe, 2 in my right (one fell out, and the hole closed up, which is y there r only 2 there now), nose, and navel
Have any tattoos?: nope
Hate yourself: at times
Have an obsession?: not that i know of
Have a secret crush?: nope
Do they know yet?: i guess not seeing as they dont exist
Have a best friend?: a few
Wish on stars?: nope
Care about looks?: nope


-:- L-O-V-E L-I-F-E -:-

First crush: no one
First kiss: tbc
Single or attached?: attached to my teddy bear
Ever been in love?: nope
Do you believe in love at first sight?: i dunno, never thought bout it
Do you believe in "the one"?: ditto


-:-Appearance-:-

Hair: brown, just past shoulders
Eyes: blue i think
Height: i dunno, katie height


-:-Last thing you-:-

Bought: rugrats party invitations
Ate and drank: drank coke, ate choc chip muffin
Read: Echoes of Mercy
Watched on TV: a movie, Taxi


-:-EITHER / OR-:-

Club or houseparty: house party
Beer or cider: apple cider
Drinks or shots: non alcoholic drinks
Cats or dogs: dogs
Pen or pencil: pen
Gloves or mittens: gloves
Food or candy: candy
Cassette or cd: cd
This or that: the other thing


-:-Who do you want to-:-

Kill: not telling
Look like: my reflection
Be like: Jesus
Avoid: myself


-:-Last person you-:-

Talked to: my brother
Hugged: i dunno
Instant messaged: Lami
Kissed: i dunno


-:-Where do you-:-

Eat: where ever
Cry: preferably no where
Wish you were: not here


-:-Have you ever-:-

Dated one of your best friends? nope
Loved somebody so much it makes you cry? nope
Drank alcohol? yeah
Broken the law? yeah, speeding
Run away from home? yeah
Broken a bone? nope
Played Truth Or Dare?: yeah
Kissed someone you didn't know?: nope
Been in a fight?: nope
Come close to dying?: nope


-:- What is -:-

The most embarrassing CD in your collection?: probably hanson
Your bedroom like?: messy


-:- Random Questions -:-

What's on your bedside table?: a pile of books, bedside light, watch, church rosters
What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?: i generally raid my own stash of food, coz i have better food
What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?: none
If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?: i dunno
What is your biggest fear?: everything
What feature are you most insecure about?: scars on my arm
Do you ever have to beg?: nope
Are you a pyromaniac?: occassionally, depending on my mood
Do you have too many love interests?: nope
Do you know anyone famous?: nope
Describe your bed: butterfly sheets, 3 blankets, monsters inc doona, one pilloe, my teddy bear
Spontaneous or planned?: spontaneous
Do you know how to play poker?: nope
What do you carry with you at all times?: my phone
How do you drive?: carefully
What do you miss most about being little?: not much that i can think of atm
Are you happy with your given name?: no, thats y i get called Katie
How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?: a lot
What color is your bedroom?: purple
What was the last song you were listening to?: i cant remember
Have you ever been in a play?: yeah
Best friends?: a few
Do you talk a lot?: sometimes, depending on my mood.
Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?: generally not
Do you think you're cute?: nope
Do poor, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?:nope
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?: most of the time
What is the first thing you think when you see two gay guys or lesbians holding hands?: i dunno, it not a very common thing to see here.

I dont get it

I am so confused! I dont understand it. Actually, i probably should explain what it is that i dont understand, so that u dont think i am some deranged psychopath who is busy talking to herself in her blog!
I was thinking about nothing in particular earlier this week, and i realised some stuff that really confused me, as u may have already gathered. When i was living up in broadwater with my mum and step-father, i ended up seeing the school counsellor a couple of times. Anyhow, i told him some of the stuff that had gone on with my step-father (the magazines, and some stuff that happened), but nothing was ever said to me about it. I dont understand why though. He was the school counsellor, wouldnt he have had some sort of obligation to report any possible abuse that a student told him? I mean, i was sent to him coz i was banging my head against things, wouldnt that make it kind of obvious that maybe, just maybe, something wasnt exactly right with my life at that point, and wouldnt the stuff i told him make it clear that the home i was in wasnt exactly the best place for me to be?
Then i ended up thinking, well what if he talked to the principal about it. But if he did, i dont know if the principal would have just brushed it off coz he knew my parents, and didnt think that my mum would allow something like that to happen?
But wouldnt they have been obligated to report it to DoCS or something? Shouldnt something have been done to help me?
If something had been done then, where would i be now? Would i have started cutting anyhow? Would i have ended up feeling suicidal, as i have felt at times? Would my sister have still gone out doing the things she did? Would my brother still have done the things he did?
I am so confused about all this. I dont know what to think about it, or maybe it would be easier if i just didnt think about it. I dunno :S

Who will cry for the little boy, lost and all alone
Who will cry for the little boy, abandoned without his own
Who will cry for the little boy, he cried himself to sleep
Who will cry for the little boy, who never had it for keeps
Who will cry for the little boy, who walked on burning sands
Who will cry for the little boy, the boy inside a man
Who will cry for the little boy, who knew well hurt and pain
Who will cry for the little boy, who died and died again
Who will cry for the little boy, a good boy he tried to be
Who will cry for the little boy, who cries inside of me

That is a poem from the movie "Antwone Fisher". I am not writing this to be melodramatic or anything, but i feel like that poem reflects me in some ways, except for the obvious fact that i am NOT a boy! :P
There are times when i feel like i am going to cry, or that i feel like i need to cry, but i just hate it! i know that it is a release and all that, but i feel so weak when i do. I suppose i will get over it at some point in this seemingly meaningless life of mine, but until then, i guess it'll cope.

Why?

Why does this all have to be so hard? It would be so much easier to just go and cut than it is to deal with all of these thoughts and the mental images.
Cant someone please just make them go away. Find the off switch for me! Its too hard...
There are so many times when i feel like it would be easier to just give up, and cope with cutting. Its like there are 2 Katies. (Scarey thought, i know!) One wants to keep going, and not cut, but the other just wants to go buy more razors and cut, coz it would be so much easier than this.
Maybe next time the razors will work properly. I dunno, i just want it all to go away!

Mom and Dad are fightin'
As Rosie lies there crying
For once again she's overheard
Regrets of their mistake
With Christmas bells a-ringing
Little Rosie'd leave them grieving
The gift she'd give her family
Would be the pills she'd take
Inconvenient child
She wasn't worth their while

That is a verse from "What Have we Become" by DC Talk, and so often it is what i feel like. Obviously not all of it; mainly the bit about it would be a gift for my family if i were to die.
I know people will say thats not true, but it doesnt change the fact that i feel like that most of the time.
I have been given proof that i am a burden to them, simply by the things they say. Brenda is more interested in the dog, and what is said about the dog than anything to do with anyone else, esp me. Dad just makes sarcasic comments all the time, like on saturday i was told that i could have died the day before or the day after, just not that day, coz they were too busy. Well guess what...its another day now.
Grrrrr....i just want it all to disappear...

23 days and counting...

It has now been 23 days since i cut last. That is the longest i have eva gone (well since i started anyhow) without cutting. YAY for me! Unfortunately i have been biting my lip a fair bit, but the psychologist has said that biting is better than cutting, coz it is less likely to do permanent damage, and coz of the risk of hitting veins and stuff with cutting.
Now the bit that some people reading this may not wanna hear...
Last night was a huge struggle, and i cant even pin point what started it. I was feeling soooo crappy, and i ended up with my bottom lip bleeding right along it, and i was struggling so bad not to go and buy some razors from about 9.00pm onwards. Lately i have been having the same dream almost every night, and in my dream i am looking down on myself and i am sitting in the shower, fully clothed, with cuts all up my arms, and with my wrists slashed. Last night all i felt like doing was making that dream come true. I mean, i tried distracting myself, but nothing was working last night. Usually i can distract myself by reading or drawing, or listening to good music, but none of it was working last night.
But i didnt end up cutting, so i can still continue counting the days...