Why?
Why does this all have to be so hard? It would be so much easier to just go and cut than it is to deal with all of these thoughts and the mental images.
Cant someone please just make them go away. Find the off switch for me! Its too hard...
There are so many times when i feel like it would be easier to just give up, and cope with cutting. Its like there are 2 Katies. (Scarey thought, i know!) One wants to keep going, and not cut, but the other just wants to go buy more razors and cut, coz it would be so much easier than this.
Maybe next time the razors will work properly. I dunno, i just want it all to go away!
Mom and Dad are fightin'
As Rosie lies there crying
For once again she's overheard
Regrets of their mistake
With Christmas bells a-ringing
Little Rosie'd leave them grieving
The gift she'd give her family
Would be the pills she'd take
Inconvenient child
She wasn't worth their while
That is a verse from "What Have we Become" by DC Talk, and so often it is what i feel like. Obviously not all of it; mainly the bit about it would be a gift for my family if i were to die.
I know people will say thats not true, but it doesnt change the fact that i feel like that most of the time.
I have been given proof that i am a burden to them, simply by the things they say. Brenda is more interested in the dog, and what is said about the dog than anything to do with anyone else, esp me. Dad just makes sarcasic comments all the time, like on saturday i was told that i could have died the day before or the day after, just not that day, coz they were too busy. Well guess what...its another day now.
Grrrrr....i just want it all to disappear...
posted by Katie @ Tuesday, September 13, 2005
7 Comments:
Katie.
Princess i know that thing do get tough at times, unfortunatly that won't go away while we are here on earth.
At the moment you are more sensetive to what people say and i am sure your Dad was saying it as a general comment. Not something he meant.
"The gift she gives her family, is the pills that she'd take"
Suicide is a selfish act, it leaves everyone else behind to pick up the pieces and to cope. Know i know Jesus i'd never want to give my family the gift of heart break. Let alone get to heaven and look into the eyes of God.
You can do this babe! Keep trying, pray, and rely on the people you can. More importantly rely on Christ first and foremost
(((((((((((HUgz))))))))))
Sweety, hang in there.
Like I said, go to war!
You can't just say yes to me and then not do it.
This is a Spiritual battle and the only way U gona get thru it is to fight with Gods strength!
Hang in there Katie!!! And call me - anytime.
I know it's hard for us to believe sometimes, but we are NOT inconveniences - God simply doesn't make them.
I know it's a battle, but don't let any person or feeling rob you of the truth: God the Father thought you were worth creating, God the Son thought you were worth redeeming, God the Spirit thinks you are worth filling and comforting. The entire Trinity validates your life as worthwhile!!
And from a human perspective....you are much loved as a gift into SO many lives: you're my longest-term closest friend, you bring SO much joy and wisdom into the lives of so many kids and youth....and I know that even though sometimes it seems family disappoints us and hurts us most, your family really do love you - even if they don't know how to show it. You are such a key player even in Gemea's life!
Hmm, I've written a lot, but I know sometimes words don't seem to help. I am praying and I'm here for you. I love you Katie Louise!!
Oh, and here's another song for you....it helps me heaps :)
after all this has passed
I still will remain
after I've cried my last
there'll be beauty from pain
maybe it is today
that my heart hopes again
and there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
(I know I changed a few words....it made hope seem a little bit more possible TODAY, rather than having to wait for SOMEday, which, when you sing this song daily for a while, is like forever)
Even if you think of noone else think of Gemea. She loves you totally unconditionally because you are her aunty, and a cool, nice, sweet person. She is not the only person who feels this way. Katie I never ever want you to die and I especially never ever want you to take your own life! You are too precious to too many people, which is the exact reason satan is targeting you, you are a beautiful individual who loves God and is generous and caring and everything that satan hates, that's all this is these thoughts, they are attacks by satan to bring you down. You need to fight him, you need to daily put on the armour of God and tell satan to get out of your mind and to leave you alone!
I know it's hard and noone except you can totally understand what is going on in your mind but we are all here for you Katie we love you.
I know those things that Brenda says can be hurtful but when you are feeling down don't focus on the words she says, focus on the words of the people who comment on your blog. We are all totally here for you 100% any time of day or night.
Love you Katie!
Kate I made you a poemy thing
K is for Kookie Katie who makes us smile
A is for the Awesome God who loves her lots
T is for Terrific Friend who is always there
I is for the Incredible Kindness you always show us
E is for Excellent Aunty to Gemea.
Sorry it's a bit stupid i know but I was bored and inspired by Deborah's ode to frozen yoghurt and thought that You might like it.
Love lots
Zarna
"The gift she gives her family would be the pills she'd take"
it's a gift i'd never want to get, and one i hope nobody i know will ever give. it makes me sad that you feel that way a lot, but as Lami said, we all have to fight, even when we feel like giving up. luckily we've got God on our side =)
hang in there, you nifty gumnut!
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