:(

I am so scared atm. I dont feel like i can do this. I know that it will be alright once i am in Mercy, and all that, but for now i dont know how to deal with this fear. I am so nervous about what its goin to be like. I am goin to miss my friends so much. For most of today i have been scared to the point of bein sick. And now i feel like i am gonna cry. I dont know what to do, but i know that i gotta keep packing, and keep going with this.

OMG!!! I have found out today that i have been accepted into Mercy Ministries!! (the counceling program i applied for about a year ago) so i will try to get on a bit b4 i go, but once i am in, it will be very rare for me to be able to get on here, coz i wont have internet access.
But, yeah i am sooooo excited!! :D

Bye-Byes

Although most of my readers know this, just thought i'd post anyhow, and let you know that i wont be on here for the next week or so.
So have a good week, and i am sure i shall talk to you at some point in the near future. Unless, of course i dont actually know u, and ur just some random person reading this, in which case, have a good week too! :)

Yay for sleeping tablets!!

I got some new sleeping tablets yesterday (Temazepam), and to be honest, i was doubting that these ones would actually do any good, coz none of the other ones i have tried have actually helped a whole lot.
Anyhow, took one at bout 10.00, was asleep a bit after 10.30, and got bout 10 hours sleep!! :D :D :D and no nightmares! was sooooo good! i am very happy bout this!
And these ones r tiny! i took a photo of one sitting on a 5 cent piece last night, but cant put it on here til i get credit, so i'll do that later today. Its like half the size of a tic tac, if that!! hehehe it amused me heaps last night :)

Entirely Pathetic, I Know

I was watching Crossroads today (yes, that movie with Britney Spears in it, please dont hate me), and i ended up gettin triggered a bit by it, and bit my lip. The silly thing is that i have seen this movie before, so i knew that this stuff was coming up, was just so frustrating that it had this effect on me this time.
anyhow, the first thing that got me was when they were talking about sexual assault, for reasons that i think most people who read this would know. the second bit was when one of the characters found out that her mother hadnt wanted to have her. If u didnt see the entry fros ages ago about why i was triggered by this, it's here, i just really dont feel like going into it again.
Anyhow, now i just gotta try to leave my lip alone, and stop biting it :S

thoughts for the night

ok, so i gotta get these thoughts out, so sorry in advance if this dont make sense, coz i'm not planning on re-reading it b4 postin, otherwise it is unlikely to get there.
i dont know why, but since remembering stuff that happened, i have gotten heaps more protective of my personal space. I have tried to tell dad that i really just need him to listen to me when i ask him not to hug me or whatever, but he dont listen. He thinks its this big joke that i dont like him kissing me, even my cheek, or that i dont let him pat my backside (speaking of which, why the HELL does he need to??) as though i am a little kid or somethin. He thinks just dont listen to me, and i dont know how i can get him to.
It has gotten to the point where when i am having a bad day, there r very few people i will even accept a hug from. For any of u who knew me b4, u would know what a big thing that is for me, esp coz touch is (or maybe was) my main love language.
i dont know if my thinking is just weird or if i have lost the plot or what....

*insert tired mutter*

UGH!! I am sooo tired, and yet i am awake. And yes, the time stamp for this blog is correct, it is around 4.30 AM!!!
I was good and went to bed at bout midnight, still took me like another hour and a half to get to sleep, and i slept for like 2 hours! I woke up almost hyperventilating, so i guess i had another nightmare, although i dont remember what. I dont know if thats a good thing or not. Anyhow, i calmed down, and tried to go bak to sleep, but do u think that worked? .... if ur still pondering that question, i'll give u a hint: i am not sleep walking, or sleep blogging atm!
maybe i should start taking the sleeping tablets a bit again, but it's too late for that for tonight :(