Here comes the paranoia

Okay, so late on Friday night, dad saw one of eddie's friends bein bashed up, so of course he intervened and all that, and this friend ended up stayin here last night. Anyhow, today dad took him to Orange and bak to get his face fixed up, meanwhile, eddie is barely at home, even though one of his mates is stayin here.
This guy is stayin here again tonight, and i am really uncomfortable bout it. He freaks me out. I dont know how long he is staying here for, is could be just one night, it could be a few, but either way i dont particularly like it. And i dont know if it is just the normal paranoia, or what the deal is, but i am not liking it.
So i guess i'll be sleeping with my door locked tonight, and each night til he goes bak to his place. I am kinda worried though, coz i dont wanna be stuck at home alone with him tomorrow. Paranoia is definately not my friend tonight! :S

Undone

Undone - MercyMe

No apologiesFor who I'm meant to be
The only thing that matters isI am free
When I am overwhelmed
Holding pieces of my heart
When I feel my world
Start to fall apart

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become
Undone

Even in defeat
The face of tragedy
Still you'd have to say thatI found victory
In brokenness comes beauty
Divine fragility
Reminding me of nail scarred hands
Reaching out for me

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become
Undone

Hallelujah I'm undone!

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become
Undone

To the cross I run
To be what I've become
And I'm undone


This song describes pretty well what i am learning to do. No matter how i am feeling, i just gotta run to Jesus. I am over apologising to people for being me, and trying to be who they want me to be. :)

You Led Me

You Led Me - Barlow Girl

Good Morning the night is over and gone
I thought once this dark would last for so long

Feel the sunlight on my face
You have brought me through this place

Jesus, Jesus You found me
Through the long night you led me
You set me free

Do you see just what You've done in my life?
You gave me more than I hoped for now I

Feel the sunlight on my face
You have brought me through this place

Jesus, Jesus You found me
Through the long night you led me
You set me free

Good Morning the night is over and gone


For me, this has been a song of hope. I finally feel like i am getting somewhere, like i am going to be able to get through all of this, and that soon, this night will be over, and i will be able to move on.

I dont understand myself sometimes, okay, let me change that...i dont understand myself most times. During the course of one day i can go from bein so, so low that i just wanna die, to feelin really happy, then end up really low again. I mean, that cannot be normal, or at least it bein to that extreme cant be. Or if it is, then i wanna be another species.
I hate it, i feel like a yoyo (or as Cat puts it, a shiney thing attached to a piece of string).
Gemea has learnt to share now...she has decided to share her cough with me :S i really wish she hadnt though. it has decided to inhabit my chest, so i been coughin heaps (and coughin up stuff), had a runny nose, and had a temperature...not exactly the nicest feelin in the world.
After talkin with one of the pplz at mercy, i have realised that what kelly has been sayin for a while is true...i gotta find a counsellor that i can see more regularly that what i am seein melissa. I got no idea how i gonna manage that though, coz after checkin the phone book last night, it seems that there r no counsellors or psychologists that work in my town :S i will talk to my doc next time i see her and see if she knows of anyone though. Hopefully i can work somethin out.
I think i have finished my meaningless ramblings for now...

*sigh*

I found out a couple of days ago that apparently my dad has had 2 vasectomies (not that most of u wanna know this, but i gotta get it out), but one of them was just after Amy was born. Anyhow, amy told me all of this, but the way she was tellin me was as though she wasnt happy that i ended up bein born.
For the last few days i have been tryin to ignore it, pretend that she didnt mean it like that, or something, but i just cant. It's like the only reason she likes me bein around is so she can bludge money and help off me.
I just feel like i have been a hassle since i was born. I mean, if i wasnt wanted then, maybe thats y all this crap has happened.
I wish this would all just go away
*cries*

Soooo angry

Once again brenda is gettin to me :S

she was goin on bout this guy she had heard about, makin him sound like some sort of hero. He had apparently innapropriately touched his kids (she didnt know exactly what had happened) when they were little, and he felt that he needed to tell police and all that. anyhow, he was charged, went to jail for a year, and was obviously restricted in future work. anyhow, brenda made him out to be some sort of hero for doin that, and sayin that his kids were doin the wrong thing coz they were angry at him for doin that. I mean, i know that they need to deal with their anger and the pain and all that, but she was putting them down somethin shockin for bein angry with their father
it got me soooo angry that she was goin on like that. she thought that just coz he told the cops that it was supposed to make everythin ok.
I was soooo close to goin out to the lounge room and goin off at her somethin shockin.
it made me wonder what her reaction would be to that story if she had been abused? i dont get it. I mean, how on earth can she act as though that guy is some sort of hero? how can she pretty much say that it dont matter how much he did to his kids, coz he went to the cops? how can she possibly be so insensitive and ignorant?
GRRRRRRRR
Up until this happened i had been having a pretty good day. :(

Amusement

As most of u know, i am sooooo easily amused! :) Anyhow, i shall now share one of my ways to be amused...(u gotta use microsoft word for this)
Anyhow, u just gotta start by writing a word, any word. (i'll use awesome for this demonstration). When u have typed the word, click on it with the right button on ur mouse, and go down to where it says synonyms, and click on that. It will then come up with a list of words that u can use in place of your original word. Click on one of these words. U can then get a synonym for your second word. I usually try to see how far from my original word i can get...

awesome --> overwhelming --> vast --> gigantic --> gargantuan --> huge --> giant --> monster --> ogre --> fiend --> brute --> swine --> beast --> creature --> mortal --> fatal --> terminal --> workstation --> workplace --> agency --> group --> cluster --> bunch --> gang --> squad --> troop -->throng --> swarm --> cloud --> obscure --> vague

hehehe i could keep going for ages!! i find that sooo amusing! with words that r supposed to be interchangable, i have gone from comething being awesome, to bein vague! :P

So many thoughts have been going around this strange little head of mine for the past few days, but i think i may finally be with it enough to be able to express them here.
My wrist is soooo sore, not from cutting it though. I feel like i have sprained it, but i havent done anything that could have caused a sprain, so i figure i musta just slept on it funny, and hopefully it will go away.
Anyhow, i cut again on Monday night, as some of you know already. Unfortuuately, i did it on the lower arm, which means i will be wearing long sleeve shirts until it heals a bit, hopefully that wont take too long, and hopefully the weather wont be too hot.
I know i am going to have to tell people around me (esp pplz at church) bout whats been going on, but i am just sooooo scared! I dont know what they will think, or say, and i dont know how i will answer their questions. I mean, how do i explain to them y i cut? They're not likely to get it, and i guess it isnt really fair for me to expect them to. i am just scared of rejection, of humiliation, and basically of getting hurt.
I have 2 more days of working at the Forbes Learning Ladder...i am so scared and uncertain bout what i will do after. I am going to miss those kids soooooooo much, well maybe not all, but most of them :P I know it will work out eventually, but i dont want eventually, i want now.
Oh well, i guess there isnt much i can do other than wait, and trust God.....

GRRRRRR......

I swear that if my brother doesnt stop what he has been doing, then some one is going to get hurt, and chances r it wont be him.
His latest hobby seems to be ridiculing me as much as he can in front of people at church. His latest thing is movies.
We had a movie night last night, and i said that if pplz wanted to, they could come down to pick the movies, coz i wasnt gonna do it by myself, coz then pplz would just get crabby. So a few of us went down and got some dvds. As soon as we got back eddie started going off at me coz i hired one that we used to watch at sleep overs, coz me and claire wanted to see it. He started saying that i might as well buy it, and i am wasting my money, and why did i get crap movies like that. Well what did he expect? Out of the people that went to hire them, there were 3 girls, and one guy (who also likes chick flicks), but eddie had decided to stay at home. Therefore he lost his right to complain about it. But today after church, he started going on to 3 of the pplz from church about how i chose such crappy videos, and all that. I ended up telling him to get over it, and i walked out.
Before that, last sunday, we had a movie night at church. Once again, i had asked pplz to come and help pick the movies, or to suggest any good ones. Eddie said nothing, and yet all night he complained about how i had picked such stupid movies.
Then the friday before that, we had a movie night for youth, as an end of term thing. I hired 2 movies (after talking to Nick, the other youth leader), which we had both agreed on. Eddie was going on all night about how i got such crap movies. He didnt once say anything to Nick about it, he just picked on me. He continued to go on about it on saturday, and especially on sunday.
I am so sick of him. I wish he would just get over himself.