Time For A New Entry
I figured it was time for me to write something in here, so i guess this is goin to be it.
Tomorrow is goin to be 60 days of no cutting, but i almost didnt get there. Yesterday i bought razors (sorry) but i ended up throwing them out, without cutting. Which i know is a good thing, but i just been feeling so flat lately. I just feel like i need something to lift up my mood some. I know that SI isnt the way i should be doin it, but there r times when it feels like that is the only thing that will help at all.
Will be good when I am able to say that it has been a decent amount of time with no SI at all. Unfortunately, i dont know when that will be. There are times when i doubt that that will happen at all, but i know that it can happen, with God's help. Until then, i guess i just gotta keep workin at it.
I am soooo tired atm, i think i am due to just crash some time this weekend, so hopefully that will mean one good night's sleep at least.
At the moment, i dont know why, but i am just feeling bleh, and part of me wants to go to bed and just cry, but i really dont want to. Most of you know my opinion on crying, so u would know where i am coming from with that. My mind is so stupid, i mean its like this big jumbled mess of contradictions. Part of me wants to cry, but another part dont want to.
I am thinking i might just burn a cd of slow songs (not necessarily depressing songs, just slower ones), just coz i need somethin to listen to when i am like this.
Another thing i am confused about is this: for a while, mainly since my nightmares have gotten worse, i have slept with a nightlight type thing on. But for the last few days, i have gotten even more freaked out at night. I have been sleeping with my door locked, window shut and locked, and my bedside light on all night. This is coming from a girl who, up until about May last year (when i started dealing with my depression, and the memories of the abuse) had heaps of trouble sleepin unless the room was totally dark, or very close to it.
Sometimes, i am sure that i am totally screwed up :S
posted by Katie @ Wednesday, March 15, 2006
4 Comments:
60 days!!! YAHOOOOOOO!!!!
(((hugs)))
60 days is awesome! You are doing so well!
You'll get through the feeling bleh we all go through it, it's just that you are dealing with other stuff to so the feeling is magnified. Besides you are coming to visit me soon, how can anyone who is going to be graced with my presence feel bleh! ;p
I don't think anyone can, Zarna!! :D
Katie, don't worry about sleeping with the light on. When you start dealing with things that have been locked up inside for so long, and when something traumatic happens, the mind always figures out some sort of a safety net for you. I remember when sum stuff happened here when I was a bit younger (no abuse or anything, but it affected me), I had to sleep with the light on. I don't know why becuase the light had nothing to do with what happened, but it was just my way of feeling safe. After a long time, I was able to sleep with the light off (but I still have a night-light in the bathroom!!). You will get there. It's gonna take a lot of time and a lot of hard work, but IT WILL HAPPEN. Trust God, and trust us that we will support you and love ya in your journey.
aww, *hugs*
don't worry, we're all messed up in some areas, but we have God and friends and hope to be free - hang in there!
Sleep under the stars sometime, it rocketh the rooftop that isn't in the way ;)
I love you!
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