Yay for sleeping tablets!!

I got some new sleeping tablets yesterday (Temazepam), and to be honest, i was doubting that these ones would actually do any good, coz none of the other ones i have tried have actually helped a whole lot.
Anyhow, took one at bout 10.00, was asleep a bit after 10.30, and got bout 10 hours sleep!! :D :D :D and no nightmares! was sooooo good! i am very happy bout this!
And these ones r tiny! i took a photo of one sitting on a 5 cent piece last night, but cant put it on here til i get credit, so i'll do that later today. Its like half the size of a tic tac, if that!! hehehe it amused me heaps last night :)

Entirely Pathetic, I Know

I was watching Crossroads today (yes, that movie with Britney Spears in it, please dont hate me), and i ended up gettin triggered a bit by it, and bit my lip. The silly thing is that i have seen this movie before, so i knew that this stuff was coming up, was just so frustrating that it had this effect on me this time.
anyhow, the first thing that got me was when they were talking about sexual assault, for reasons that i think most people who read this would know. the second bit was when one of the characters found out that her mother hadnt wanted to have her. If u didnt see the entry fros ages ago about why i was triggered by this, it's here, i just really dont feel like going into it again.
Anyhow, now i just gotta try to leave my lip alone, and stop biting it :S

thoughts for the night

ok, so i gotta get these thoughts out, so sorry in advance if this dont make sense, coz i'm not planning on re-reading it b4 postin, otherwise it is unlikely to get there.
i dont know why, but since remembering stuff that happened, i have gotten heaps more protective of my personal space. I have tried to tell dad that i really just need him to listen to me when i ask him not to hug me or whatever, but he dont listen. He thinks its this big joke that i dont like him kissing me, even my cheek, or that i dont let him pat my backside (speaking of which, why the HELL does he need to??) as though i am a little kid or somethin. He thinks just dont listen to me, and i dont know how i can get him to.
It has gotten to the point where when i am having a bad day, there r very few people i will even accept a hug from. For any of u who knew me b4, u would know what a big thing that is for me, esp coz touch is (or maybe was) my main love language.
i dont know if my thinking is just weird or if i have lost the plot or what....

*insert tired mutter*

UGH!! I am sooo tired, and yet i am awake. And yes, the time stamp for this blog is correct, it is around 4.30 AM!!!
I was good and went to bed at bout midnight, still took me like another hour and a half to get to sleep, and i slept for like 2 hours! I woke up almost hyperventilating, so i guess i had another nightmare, although i dont remember what. I dont know if thats a good thing or not. Anyhow, i calmed down, and tried to go bak to sleep, but do u think that worked? .... if ur still pondering that question, i'll give u a hint: i am not sleep walking, or sleep blogging atm!
maybe i should start taking the sleeping tablets a bit again, but it's too late for that for tonight :(

Writing Again!

Yay!! I was finally able to write another poem today!! It has been 17 days since i was last able to get one out. I am sooo happy to be able to write again, even if it only lasts for a few days or somethin. It just gets my thoughts out so well!
Anyhow, thats all i got to say for now.

Scream

Scream - Zoegirl

Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?

Has anybody seen what's been done?
Where was my defense? No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
So I can breathe again
I'm on my knees

I've been marked, set apart
But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me
I don't have to scream for Him to hear me
Don't have to bleed for Him to see me

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me

I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening
And I don't have to scream


this song describes pretty well how i feel atm, esp the 1st and 2nd verses and the 1st chorus
:(

Time For A New Entry

I figured it was time for me to write something in here, so i guess this is goin to be it.
Tomorrow is goin to be 60 days of no cutting, but i almost didnt get there. Yesterday i bought razors (sorry) but i ended up throwing them out, without cutting. Which i know is a good thing, but i just been feeling so flat lately. I just feel like i need something to lift up my mood some. I know that SI isnt the way i should be doin it, but there r times when it feels like that is the only thing that will help at all.
Will be good when I am able to say that it has been a decent amount of time with no SI at all. Unfortunately, i dont know when that will be. There are times when i doubt that that will happen at all, but i know that it can happen, with God's help. Until then, i guess i just gotta keep workin at it.
I am soooo tired atm, i think i am due to just crash some time this weekend, so hopefully that will mean one good night's sleep at least.
At the moment, i dont know why, but i am just feeling bleh, and part of me wants to go to bed and just cry, but i really dont want to. Most of you know my opinion on crying, so u would know where i am coming from with that. My mind is so stupid, i mean its like this big jumbled mess of contradictions. Part of me wants to cry, but another part dont want to.
I am thinking i might just burn a cd of slow songs (not necessarily depressing songs, just slower ones), just coz i need somethin to listen to when i am like this.
Another thing i am confused about is this: for a while, mainly since my nightmares have gotten worse, i have slept with a nightlight type thing on. But for the last few days, i have gotten even more freaked out at night. I have been sleeping with my door locked, window shut and locked, and my bedside light on all night. This is coming from a girl who, up until about May last year (when i started dealing with my depression, and the memories of the abuse) had heaps of trouble sleepin unless the room was totally dark, or very close to it.
Sometimes, i am sure that i am totally screwed up :S

i was gonna edit my last entry (for me, not for someone else) but realised that i couldnt without totally lying about how i was feeling, so i decided to just do a more positive entry for today.

I not really sure how to make this one a positive entry, coz today hasnt exactly been the most positive day either. I not gonna write what actually happened on here though, coz i dont know who reads this anymore. if u wanna know, email me or ask me somehow.
On the plus side, i not feelin quite so much like i dont wanna be here, so thats good enough for me today.

negativity overload

The negativity is just overwhelming me today.
I feel like everyone would just be so much better off if i wasnt here. People around me wouldnt have to put up with my crappy moods, and all the crap i come out with. Gemea wouldnt have such a crappy role model. People i talk to online would be able to just get on with their lives without all the junk i go on bout. People who read my blog would surely find something else to read. And i'm sure that people who complain about my blog would find another thing to complain about.
i am not saying that i am going to kill myself, i am just feelin like crap today, and i dont know how to deal with it.

YAY!!!

Today is 50 days that i havent cut!! :D and thanx to all of you for supporting me, and for helping me get this far, esp Lami, Kelly, Deb, Zarna, Megan, Bear, Karin, and everyone at JSM!
My next aim is 75 days.
Umm...thats about all i have to say on this topic.

No More Changes

Okay, so i have done one edit of a blog entry for someone, but that is all that will be done. If u r wondering why, try checking this entry

FYI

Hey, just so you know, i wont be posting my poems on this page any more. I have started a blog specifically for my poems, and if u wanna see them, there is a link at the side of this page that will take you to them.

Mental Images

Can someone please make the pictures in my head go away?? Tonight when i was watching tv it showed a girl who had slit her wrists, and now i cant get that image out of my head. I am dead tired, but i am scared to go to sleep, coz i know that if i do atm, then i will have heaps bad nightmares, worse than normal.
I dont know what i want you to do, just make them go away. I cant keep going like this. I know i probably sound like i am over dramatising all of this, but this is honestly how i feel now.
I have tried to think of other things, but everytime i think of something, the thought turns morbid. Zarna said not to think of purple elephants, which automatically made me think of them, but the purple elephants in my head where sometimes harpooned, other times they were shot, and other times they had their wrists cut.
Everything around me tonight seems to be totally morbid, but then again, when i am in this sort of mood, i seem to have the ability to see anything and everything as morbid, so i dont know.