So many thoughts have been going around this strange little head of mine for the past few days, but i think i may finally be with it enough to be able to express them here.
My wrist is soooo sore, not from cutting it though. I feel like i have sprained it, but i havent done anything that could have caused a sprain, so i figure i musta just slept on it funny, and hopefully it will go away.
Anyhow, i cut again on Monday night, as some of you know already. Unfortuuately, i did it on the lower arm, which means i will be wearing long sleeve shirts until it heals a bit, hopefully that wont take too long, and hopefully the weather wont be too hot.
I know i am going to have to tell people around me (esp pplz at church) bout whats been going on, but i am just sooooo scared! I dont know what they will think, or say, and i dont know how i will answer their questions. I mean, how do i explain to them y i cut? They're not likely to get it, and i guess it isnt really fair for me to expect them to. i am just scared of rejection, of humiliation, and basically of getting hurt.
I have 2 more days of working at the Forbes Learning Ladder...i am so scared and uncertain bout what i will do after. I am going to miss those kids soooooooo much, well maybe not all, but most of them :P I know it will work out eventually, but i dont want eventually, i want now.
Oh well, i guess there isnt much i can do other than wait, and trust God.....
posted by Katie @ Wednesday, October 05, 2005
9 Comments:
TALK TO ME I HAVE A SUGGESTION... hehehe
*looks angelic*
Have you thought about writing letters to those in the church you want to tell first, and explain why you cut but u don't have all the answers etc??
thoughts
i have told a few people in my church (a couple of friends, my pastors, adn the head of sunday skool), but i need to tell the head person of youth, coz i am under the leadership of him, and i will have to let other friends know, but the problem is i am soooo scared....i mean, i am seriously freaking out about it. I will write a letter to let Youth Leader know, but i dont know what to do bout other people.
I dont want to get into Mercy adn have them all say "well y didnt u tell us", but i also dont feel like i can deal with their judgements and critisisms atm.
It's natural to have fear.
But you cannot let it bind you behind a mask babe.
You deserve to be free to live.
If they don't support you, they aren't true friends or christians.
Don't deal with judgement, they have no right to judge you
The fact that they have no right has never stopped them in the past. I am soooo sick of them. Sometimes i just feel like screaming coz they r soooo annoying. They refuse to accept me as i am, and i am scared bout what they will say and do if they know the truth.
Kelly, please make it go away *cries*
(((hug)))
I'm not God babe, and i can't make this go away for you, but i will be here with you as you walk through this valley.
I won't leave your side, i'm not here to judge you, i am here to be your friend, support you and tell you what i think you need to know!
DON'T care about them Katie, it's not worth your life. Sorry baby but if all they can do is hurt you and judge you then they ain't worth your thoughts.
You need help, you get help for you. coz in 10 yrs how many of these ppl are gonna be in your life (if your not dead) ?
*hugz*
this so dont feel like a valley though. i dont feel like this is going to end, esp not any time soon.
I know i shouldnt listen when they say that crap, but its so hard not to, coz the people saying it r people that have been in my life for as long as i can remember. They were there when my whole world seemed to be falling apart. i feel like i owe it to them to listen to what they say, no matter how badly it affects me.
In 10 years from now, i honestly dont know how many of those pplz will be in my life (if i have one). I am soooo lost atm...i cant distinguish between my thoughts enough to say them
Okay look at the situation then, your world was falling apart and they were ther watching? how have they helped??
Katie you worry so much about what others think. stop it.
This won't end if you worry about them, it won't end if you live for them.
You are a princess of THE KING. You don't belong to them. What you owe yourself and God is your life.
Do what it takes to save your life. NO ONE else matters.
Katie, they love you and they know that your life has been tough with your mum & dad breaking up and moving to broady and everything. These are the people in the world who love you the most, Yes they may say stuff that upsets you but they mean the best, I know that doesn't make what they say any less painful but they don't mean anything by it.
If you need to explain it I have heard someone explain that they cut to make the pain they feel on the inside physical, maybe you could explain it that way.
I love you chickie and you have to know that! The people who care about you will understand and love you anyway.
I know all this doesn't make it any less hard, but I only found out about a month or two ago what was going on and I still love you and accept you for who you are, most importantly God still loves you and accepts you no matter what, you've just got to lean on him, that's his job!
I love you kate & if there's anything i can do for you let me know! promise me!!!
sorry for the ramble
I love you Katie....you are SO courageous and spunky in the midst of some tough times.
I'm thinking though that maybe just bursting out and telling people all by yourself is a huge pressure you maybe don't need burdening you right now....like, maybe you can have someone be with you while you tell other people, and they can be your support and help you explain. Or maybe like the elders (or Mum and Dad, when they get back) at church can help tell everyone as part of a service or something....
I think people might just be a bit shocked when they hear it at first and not quite know what to say or do, and you're right - people can say or do pretty insensitive things, mostly without meaning to. But if a whole bunch of people find out at once together, when being presented with it by a few people who care and have already prayed and worked through and can explain some of your pain and some of the ways we can care and pray, people can maybe take it a bit calmer and it won't be so weird....anyways, just a suggestion....if you want me to help by telling anyone for/with you, let me know!! Or if you've had some tough convos or decisions to make and need to vent or find comfort or just make silly sounds for a while, call me....you've been there for me in some pretty insane moments ;)
I need you to know, I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light....
I need you to know, that we'll be ok
Together we can make it through another day
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