How much to say...

I dont know if i can even be honest here anymore, and i hate it. My dad has apparently found out that there are people from church who read this, and he's afraid of what they'll think of him or something, or at least thats how it seems to me. I said to him that i had a heap of thoughts goin round my head, and that i was gonna blog b4 goin to bed, and he started goin on bout how i had to make it a kind one, coz they were talkin bout blogs at some meeting a couple of days ago.
If there is anyone reading this who doesnt want to know what's going on inside my head, then thats fine, thats up to you, just stop reading now. Coz atm, this is one of my main outlets for the thoughts going thru my head as i deal with stuff, and i need to keep writing this.
I cant even remember what it was i was gonna write to start with, but i do know that it was keeping me from my sleep, so i have taken my tablets.
Hold up, cancel that last statement, i have remembered what it was, but i dont know if i can write about it on here, coz i used to feel safe writing stuff on here, and now i dont know how much of it is being spread around the church, how much my dad knows or anythin like that.
Will someone please tell me how i am supposed to get these thoughts out now, i mean, the one way i had that seemed to work has now been taken away from me. How am i supposed to deal with this when i cant get it out.
I dont know what i want people to say, or do, or anythin else, i just want a way to express what i am thinking and feeling without people gettin on my bak about it. Is that too much to ask? i guess so...

I Need You

I Need You - Rebecca St James

Wide open my life is now
I hide no more behind the mask
And what you see is what I am, it’s reality

For too long I walked alone
I tried to prove that I was strong
But now that part of me is gone
And I am free, free to be

I need you
And there is nothing I must prove
For you are a friend who loves at all times
I thank God for you
I love you
I need you

I think back to all the times
That you have shown the meaning of love and grace
Your embrace inspires me
To be better

And now I want to be
The one who loves you like you love me
And comforts you with the comfort I’ve been given from above
Now I’m giving you my love
‘Cause…


I was listening to this song earlier today, and i decided that i needed to blog these lyrics, coz i just want to say thankyou to all of you, both the commenters, and the blog-stalkers, for being there for me, and just for bein such awesome friends. I love u all. *hugz*

blogthings

so i know that i have done most of these b4, but they werent in the right sort of code to just cut and paste to here, so i have redone them, and some new ones too.

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything.You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey.You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

so i guess i'm like deb and zarna in this!

Your Blogging Type is Artistic and Passionate

You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great.One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog...And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes.Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.

href="http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourbloggingpersonalityquiz/">What's" Your Blogging Personality?

Your Inner Child Is Scared

Like a kid, you tend to shy away from new experiences.You prefer what's tried and true - novelty is scary!New foods, new places, and new friends are difficult for you to deal with.Some say you're predictable, but you enjoy being comfortable.

How Is Your Inner Child?

gee...how pleasant

Your Hair Should Be Purple

Intense, thoughtful, and unconventional.You're always philosophizing and inspiring others with your insights.

What's" Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

once again, like Deb

You Are a Caramel Crunch Donut

You're a complex creature, and you're guilty of complicating things for fun.You've been known to sit around pondering the meaning of life...Or at times, pondering the meaning of your doughnut.To frost or not to frost? To fill or not to fill? These are your eternal questions.

What Donut Are You?

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

thats enough of them for now :P

I am so confused bout how i feel atm. I want to scream, i want to cry, and yet i want to curl up into a little ball, and sit as quietly as i can in a corner somewhere. I am so tired, but i dont want to go to bed coz i dont want the nightmares and the memories. I want to cut so badly, but i dont want to let everyone down again. I dont know, its like my whole life is just one big contradiction.

Okay, so i have survived the time when mum and michael were here (just). believe me, it surely wasnt easy! And hopefully it'll be a while b4 i have to see them again.
Not a lot has been goin on since they left. I have been babysitting a bit lately, so thats been fun. Also still enjoying havin the house to myself (well to myself except for when i am babysittin :P)
I am also organising for my trip to South Australia early next month. Hoping that i'll be able to afford it, and that nothin will need to be fixed on the car b4 i go. prayers for my organising would be appreciated. thanx all.

I cant do it

I thought i could handle this! I thought i would be able to just ignore all the things i am thinking and feeling about mum and michael coming down, but i cant! I just cant do it. I dont know what else to say. I feel like i have let myself and everyone else down, coz i'm not strong enough to handle this. I just dont know what to do, so instead of actually doing somethin productive, i am sitting here gettin annoyed, writing this, and crying :(
Please, someone just make it all go away, just for a few days...

Okay, so i have had the positive post, and now its bak to bein crappy again.
Someone brought round a reference for brenda a few days ago (i wont say who it was, coz there r people who read this that know that person), and there was some stuff in it that made me get so angry!! It said something along the lines of that she raised dad's kids (ie me, eddie and amy), but when she moved up here, and took over our lives, i was 16, amy was 18 and eddie was 20! She is no way "raised" us! All that she ever did was yell, push, threaten to kick us out, and try to make dad choose between us and her. That is not what i would define as "raising" unless u r some sort of a freak.
There is somewhere in the bible (Titus 1:6) that says that a man who is an elder should only have one wife. I dont of that is refering to re-marriage after divorce or only someone who is married to more than one person at one time.
I know i will probably look bak at this when i am more with it, and less angry and think a little differently, or at least a bit less extreme, but for now i am just angry.
I havent sworn since i moved down here to live with dad, but all i wanna do atm, is ring brenda and the person who wrote that reference and just scream and swear at them as loud as i possibly can. I know that i am not likely to do that, which is y i am writing this instead.

I figured it was time for a more positive post, seein as that last one was pretty depressing. It's school holidays here atm, which u may be thinking really would effect me coz i am not in school, but i like them anyhow, coz it means that i have the house to myself for now, and for about another 3 weeks.
Well my phenergen is starting to kick in, so i am gonna head to bed. Good night all :)